2017 like a truck to the abdomen

Hey, guys- happy new year!
New Years is weird; it feels so hopeful, frightened, melancholy, blah, blah, blah. I think it's the weirdest holiday- it has so much tied up in it. We're celebrating release, and the new; we're celebrating out of optimism, because we have to, or fear? Or just celebrating because celebrating because celebration is celebration?
It's been a year. I've been in and out on the blog. I have so so many people; people in general, who I love and don't and who I just like to observe. I have a permit, I have things I now have, and lack things I had last year.
anyway. Here is to a new year, guys. Here are some nye vibes
     (Carly Rae Jepson's 'your type' video)
      (Tavi Gevinson, Rookie Mag, Material Girl mag/unknown)
  (both unknown)
(Petra Collins, unknown)

(Rookie mag, unknown, Franck Bohbot, unknown))
 

A post on Ghosts

Today's photo will come later tonight; tonight is the Snow Ball at church (Stranger Things has ruined me) so I will probably take a photo there.
I just finished the book Ghosts by Raina Telgemier- I got it as a Christmas present and finished it that day. I've been following Raina for a while. I have read every book she's ever written, seen every mini-comic, etc.etc. nerdy fan stuff, etc. Her primary books in my opinion are Smile, a graphic novel memoir based on her experiences with middle school, high school, friends, boys, and extreme dental drama. Extreme dental drama. When it came out, in 2010, I was around the same age as Raina was in the book. I was awkward and immature like her, I was a girl scout, I had fickle friends, and I was just starting the orthodontic process. Smile was solace to me, at the end of the book, there was a picture of Raina when she wrote it; she was a graphic novelist with nice teeth and a husband who survived middle/high school. She was the goal.
 
 When the sequel to Smile came out-Sisters- I flipped.
Sisters hit me on another level- it follows Raina and her little sister Amara and their relationship growing up. Their interactions mirrored me and Amazon's at the time almost perfectly; another win for Telgemier in my book.
Her third book, Drama (she kind of has a thing for single word titles?) was something I picked up while I was auditioning for my second musical. This was her first non-autobiographical book, and it's themes of love, family, acceptance, and self-awareness were just what I needed then. It is the only book I've read that totally supports and represents all aspects of theater. 
 
Now Ghosts. I've been reading Raina's stuff for so long, I felt I had to read it almost out of duty, I wasn't as hyped for it as I as for Sisters, you know? It was good though. It was darker than the others at times. It was a bit cheesier than the others at times. I liked it, but it wasn't exceptional or special or touching the way the others were. That's a little disappointing, but I'm still glad that I read it.
Raina Telgemier, the queen of graphic novels, my first inspiration, you've done it again.

Day 1

I've decided to take a mini-photography challenge that will last until January 17. I'm going to take a photo every day based on prompts from a list I found somewhere on Pinterest. This will not only keep me taking pictures, but it will hopefully keep me blogging. Even though I haven't been on in a while (a while that could have been me just 'letting go') I'm not really ready to not do this anymore. If I'm not going to do this anymore, I'll give you a notice.

Today's prompt was 'self portrait'. My alarm to remind me to take the picture went off at 9, so I rolled out of bed, grabbed my camera, and took a picture.
I've been working on the comic more! I've got 8.5 out of about 110 done!
Oh my gosh. ugh.
I wasn't working on that for a while too, but then I was looking at my old journal with the first character sketches and stuff and just thought "THESE ARE MY BABIES I CANNOT JUST ABANDON THEM." But I'm also an incredibly slow worker when it comes to painting, so it's not going very quickly. ugh.
I'm going to a Harry Potter marathon tonight; aka YEAH BOI. To be honest, I loved Harry Potter and everything, but Harry bugged the heck out of me. Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Luna, Neville, etc.- they're what made the books for me. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, though. Whoo, boy. That was an emotional ride for me; I'm a pretty emotional movie watcher, and that was. intense. I am 100% in love with the whole thing. I might be posting some fanart for it eventually.
It's a marathon with other people though. I have definitely gotten better in group situations. I haven't had to flat out leave an event for my anxiety since late September. I've had a bit of a realization that has made it easier to stay. I actually do like people. It's definitely 'trendy' to not like people, and I understand people who don't like people. But I do; my friends are my energy source, I need people. I keep this in mind when I go, and it's more enjoyable. I generally have the early physicals symptoms of an attack; mild shivering, heart beating really quickly, light-headedness; but it's the happy kind. My mind is okay; I'm happy to be there. I just think about that, and it's cool again.
Seeya' tomorrow, guys.

It's been a while, my friends.

Sorry I haven't written in a really long time. I suck. I have also had other things to do. Believe it or not, but I've been developing a social life for myself. It's kind of weird.

I turned 16. Apparently, when you are 16, the only thing adults want to talk to you about is dating, cause that's all we're good for at this point. Hm. I got a camera.

I want to start working on my photography a bit more seriously. I will try and do more shoots, and I'll post them here. The school blocked my blog though, so I haven't been able to do posts at school.

The light in this shoot came from the weird orange sphere light pictured in the top pictures. I was carrying it around and balancing it on my arm/head so I could get the light source right.

This was mainly a test-shoot for my new camera. This picture was me figuring out the flash.

I will try to keep up, guys. Forgive me. I still love you.

Or something poetic like that.

Light creeping down the stairs, like me. Or something poetic like that.

Happy Thanksgiving, all! Sorry I haven't been writing as much lately. Things haven't been busy, so I guess my only excuse is that I was fully enjoying my lack of stuff to do now that the show is over.
So this morning, I woke up (surprise surprise, I know it's a dumb sentence) but no one woke me up. No alarm, or parent, or sibling; it was just me, and the sun in my eye. That almost never happens; especially not after lacking sleep, on a Saturday, or when I'm sick. Hm.
I've been listening to a new podcast: The Orbiting Human Circus (Of The Air), produced by the same people who do Night Vale. I haven't been a super big fan of the past two shows they put out (Within the Wires, and Alice isn't Dead), but I really love this one. It's amazing music (mainly from Julian Koster and The Music Tapes) is INCREDIBLE, and the whole story is endearing and creepy and comforting in this new way. It reminds me of a radio show from the 30s, The Invention of Hugo Cabret, Christmas lights, theater. It has been my podcast to sleep for the past couple nights.
There is something about blogging; do you remember my Thanksgiving post last year? It was just a Polyvore collage saying 'Happy thanksgiving readers!' or something like that. Because I blogged about it, I can remember exactly what I was thinking about then, what my aesthetic was, how I wanted to dress, what I was working on, etc. I feel like I'm reliving it to some extent because I remember it; so none of the ideas are original, they are just being repeated because it feels like that right now. Maybe this is one of the purest forms of nostalgia, or something weepy and poetic like that; the kind of nostalgia you get to re-experience instead of just pine after. Though I think it's always like that around the Holiday's. We get out the same decorations, visit the same family, or don't; but acknowledge that it's happening the same way it does every year. I like it. Each year I'm the same person, but with some additions and subtractions.
It reminds me of something we were talking about in English class; we were focusing on Native American literature, and were reading a contemporary piece by N. Scott Momaday. Our teacher was explaining to us how different people experience/describe time; Momaday calls his version of time 'burrito time'. All of time is in this one burrito; it isn't linear the way most people see it, so we can have experiences with our ancestors who we didn't technically know.
I, of course, had to make a dumb joke about it (How do you know it's burrito time? Because you hear the taco bell) but it did make me think. I suppose I've thought of time linearly, but I like to think of time more in the aspect of personal history. Like jenga blocks. (this will all tie in soon, I promise) each year/milestone adds more blocks/layers. Sometimes things are removed from the tower; relationships,memories, abilities and you have to fill it with something or it will fall over. Like a new memory to make it feel better, or a new person, etc. Everyone's jenga towers are either on top of, combined with, or just existing by everyone else's; family, friends, or strangers. That's where the idea that we are always the same people comes from. I guess.
That got a lot longer than I expected, but you know. It's early in the morning and burrito time.
Happy almost over November, readers!

Sketchbook dump

Traveling Music

My math class has turned into a bit of a time machine. My teacher always plays music in class, and 9/10 it is a song that I remember. Maybe it's not a song that I necessarily like now, but I did know it a while ago, and it was distinct enough to remember. Like 'Postcard' by The Barenaked Ladies, or 'Party in the U.S.A' by Miley Cyrus, or 'You and I' by Ingrid Michaelson (please, I don't understand my geometry teacher's tastes either...) This is traveling music to me; not in the sense of a road trip; but in the way that makes me travel.
'Postcard' takes me back to 2008 or so, when I thought it was the funniest best song ever because it talked about monkeys. Amazon and I would sing it in our shared bedroom quietly because we were embarrassed by our 8/6 year old voices.
'Party in the U.S.A' takes me to when Bean was first born, and she would laugh and giggle whenever it was played. We decided it was her favorite song. I was going through a sign language kick at the time, and learned the whole chorus (which I can still do.)
'You and I' puts me in Illinois again, when I was first developing my own musical tastes. 'You and I' was for my occasional happy moment; when I felt invincible to the corn fields and empty people around me. 'Keep Breathing' and 'The Chain' were more often played and reserved for when the endless Midwestern skies seemed oppressively close.
It reminds me of that one line in 'Stressed Out' (yes, I'm a legit TOP fan, and yes, I still like 'Stressed Out'. Good for freaking you if you don't) "Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young/ How come I'm never able to identify where it's coming from". But in this case, it isn't smells, but sounds. They can directly evoke our life.
I want to talk to people about this, and ask them about what they used to be, or what they remember. There are so many ways that you can learn about a person; I'm a big believer that their music tastes is one way to see into them. Past music tastes can be even stronger.
Anyways.
Have a good Friday. Tell me about where your music takes you
(Jeez this is the most somber and pretentious post I've written in a while. Forgive)

Here is a dumb  photo off of sketchpad. Yep.